LEMONIPSUM

I am a freelancer, which is pretty much a modern day cowboy. I was going to take this class called Cooking for One, but the teacher killed himself. And now I am heading home for a nooner—which is what I like to call having pancakes for lunch. You’ve got stability, a great marriage, devoted kids. You know what I have? A Sims family that keeps getting murdered. Hey, nerds! Who's got two thumbs, speaks limited French, and hasn't cried once today? This moi. Shut it down.

You wanna party? It’s $500 for kissing and $10,000 for snuggling; end of list. Boy! We as a group, might not smell great. Yeah, well, that's not going to work for me. Because Jenna is immune to whiskey and Tracy is afraid of juice. Lovers... oh, that word bums me out unless it’s between meat and pizza. I wolfed my Teamster sub for you! So I am making my graceful transition into spinsterhood. I have adopted this cat, named her Emily Dickinson.

Jack Donaghy is gonna kill me and then he's gonna kill you and then he's gonna fold us up in a pizza and eat us. It's my imitation of Drew Barrymore's impression of that crazy lady. I’m 37, please don’t make me go to Brooklyn. Ahhhh! Life is happening. You wanna party? It’s $500 for kissing and $10,000 for snuggling; end of list. Why won't they put me on the Jumbotron? I've been doing cool stuff all game. Woo!